When it comes to experience, I consider myself a new mom. Yes, Zoe has been around for almost a year, but, I consider her "new" still, so I'm a new mom. Before I had the Zo, when I couldn't sleep my mind raced, like any other woman's mind raced. Work, chores and other things that didn't matter in the grand scheme of life. Now, it races with all kinds of other things. Zoe, chores, Zoe's eating habits, dinner, Zoe's pooping habits, tutoring, Zoe's teeth, church, Zoe's kidney condition, the time, Zoe's ability to almost walk, and so much more.
Oh and we can't forget the all so embarrassing, touching and uncontrollable crying when you can't sleep. Now, I am a crier. When my emotions get high in any form, sadness, anger or happiness, I cry. It's embarrassing. I have never in my life cried so much because I was filled with so much love for one person. When Zoe was little I would cry because I couldn't sleep and because I loved her so much. I get a little more sleep now. Zoe is going to grow up and make us so proud. Also, I love her something fierce. She is also going to meet all of the struggles and challenges this world has to offer. I cry for her for that. She will have to deal with most of it on her own, even though I will want to come in and kick some serious, let's say, butt, for her. Those tears I cry, are mom tears.
Mom tears are complicated, mom tears have so much meaning in every drop. They sneak up on you like a ninja. They have no warning. You could be anywhere, BAM, mom tears. You hear a song in the car, you watch a movie (that was mine tonight), you hold your baby in any setting, you see your parents holding your baby, watching any father/daughter dance. Mom tears can be such jerks, they know your weaknesses. They can be the elegant single-tear type or the ugly, gasping-for-air type. Most of the time it's the latter for me, again they are jerks. Stinking hormones.
Mom tears are something I wish I would have understood a long time ago. I think I would have hugged my mama a little tighter when I saw hers flow. There is no way to begin to understand them until you experience them for the first time. Like many, mine flowed he first time I saw my baby girl, and then I looked at her daddy and saw dad tears. I couldn't begin to explain dad tears. I imagine they are like mom tears, but no group of people is as complicated as mothers are, so I imagine that they are far more straight-forward.
Since I am a new mom, I don't claim to know everything about mom tears. I haven't cried the graduation or the marriage tears, they will come and I will learn. Until then, I cry new mom tears, the kind that see a little baby ready to take on the world.
Look at that face. How could she not conquer the world?
I didn't intend for this post to be about crying. I intended it to be about my current insomnia. What are we going to eat for dinner tomorrow night? Can Zoe eat try it, too? So it continues...
That's all for now. God is good.
